I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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