hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
accomplished twins. life is a go
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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