I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Someone shattered a urinal.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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