That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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