the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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