batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
