Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
