Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
