Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize