like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
