I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
