so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
it's like heaven, but drunker
You dont lie about slip and slides
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
