btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
