Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize