i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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