There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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