I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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