I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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