she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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