The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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