what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
