i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize