just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
