I'm eating all of the evidence.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
