My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
