it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
