Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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