I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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