I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
