im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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