Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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