You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
