woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
