she woke up with a sticky ear
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
