I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
