is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
