ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize