Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
