mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
