I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
