i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
