I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
