I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
and she was petting her beer can
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
