just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
