I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
