I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
