I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
