Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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