I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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