I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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