my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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