I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
