I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
