"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry about my life...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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