I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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