drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just had sex on a roof
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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